Lovebird

Yesterday afternoon I received a knock on the door.  When I opened it I saw a teenager with eyeliner standing behind a square bird cage with a black cloth over it.  He had his head to one side like he was trying to read something upside down.  “Here’s your bird,” he said.  I tried to tell him it wasn’t my bird but he wasn’t interested.

I took the bird cage and asked the teenager if he wanted to come inside.  He said no and left.  Apparently he had to get back to sewing gun holsters into a trench coat.  Even if I lost the bet, I take comfort in the fact that Julia Albert has to take an extra drink of mojito before she comes up with something to say when her friends at the country club ask about her grandchildren. 

I put the bird cage on the kitchen table and took off the cloth.  She had given me a lone Peach-faced Lovebird, native to Africa.  It was a choice that suggested some diabolical intention, as was clear in the note that came attached to one of the bars.

Dear Cyrus,

Congratulations on your new pet, a lovely peach-faced lovebird.  Since you know your birds, you’ll know that it’s just a myth that lovebirds need a mate to be happy.  Birds and people can be happy alone, can't they?  Be aware, however, that this peach-faced lovebird is nearly ten years old, and only three weeks ago lost its mate it had lived with its entire life.  Poor bird, he might need some attention!

Its wings, of course, are clipped so don’t try freeing it.  My grandson has been instructed to stop by several times during the week to make sure you haven’t given the bird away.  I didn’t include food or toys but I did write a check to you that will cover the expenses.  Enjoy your trip to the exotic bird section of the pet store!

See you in a week!

As I watched that nameless lovebird stare off into nothingness—probably wondering why someone doesn’t just shoot it—I thought Julia Albert is way too wicked to be a grandmother driving a Chrysler.  Where are the maternal instincts that says this lost bird doesn’t belong in prison?  Is she blind?  Peach-faced Lovebird, I can’t give you a new mother.  If you want to eat before I get to the pet store, however, I can give you a can of Spaghetti-O’s.  Otherwise you’ll have to wait.