Cyrus Picks

After telling me how much money he's willing to spend to get me to Lambeau field when Bart Farv returns (see earlier posting), Boyce told me it would only be fair if I pulled my weight by getting informed about the entire football world.  To show Boyce my commitment, I am therefore making the following picks.

You might think I was a big sports gambler, but that would be an idiotic thing to think.  I do not bet on things that I cannot control.  And while I cannot control the spin of the roulette wheel or the roll of the dice, it does allow me to play the odds.  In sports, it is proven time and again that supposed "experts" cannot guess at any higher rate than computer programs.  That means there is no inside knowledge to aid in sports betting.  It is fate.  And while that is extremely mouth-watering and oddly makes me fantasize about Rachel lying in a bird's nest, I like to at least have a hand in fate.  Therefore, you are just as likely to win in your local "sexual fantasy" football league using my picks as anyone else's.

1. Alabama 45, North Texas 13.  North Texas is not really a place name like North Platte, South Dakota.  Therefore the fact that it's North Texas rather than Northern Texas is stupid.  I have never been to this school, but I imagine it's filled with people who stake their identity on archaic grammatical constructions, rather than learning how to push the ball into the goal zone.

2. Virginia Tech 24, Nebraska 13.  In researching Virginia Tech online, there appears to have been a shooting recently.  They'll be playing for vengeance against Nebraska, who, according to my internet research, did nothing to stop the shooting from happening.

3. Michigan 45, Eastern Michigan 13.  Excited about the fact that Eastern Michigan forms the acronym EMU, I rushed to their web site to see what their mascot was.  It is an eagle.  This is aggravating for several reasons.  First, eagles are endlessly subjected to unoriginal mascotry which turns them from unique animals into pedestrian cartoons.  Inexcusable.  Second, there are over 60 species of eagle.  Exactly which one are you, Eastern Michigan?  Or are you claiming that you're all of them?  Stupid.  And third, Eastern has the opportunity to be the EMU Emus, a wonderfully unique creature (pictured right).  Instead, they continued to carve eagles into tiny bits with their rusty Knife of Conformity.  Until the change is made, DOWN WITH EASTERN MICHIGAN, AND UP WITH THE EMUS!

4. Florida 40, Tennessee 13.  I have not heard of either of these teams, but as Tennessee is irritating to spell, I go with Florida (Note: this is mathematically as good a reason to bet as anything you paid to learn).

5. New England 35, Ohio State 13.  Although "The New England Patriots" sound more like a middling soccer team at some snotty prep school, they are nevertheless highly paid professional athletes.  Ohio State players, from what I understand, are not paid as much.

6. Green Bay 24, Cincinnati 13.  Go Packers!