I already know what the highlight of the week is going to be. It’s not the coming migratory patterns which remind me that just because the Universe is a blind mother who at times offers her teat to us, and at times offers her teat to disease and carnage, doesn’t mean she isn’t beautiful. No, it’s going to talk to an elementary school class about birds.
Last night Sammy and I had dinner at the Lancaster house, and it came to our attention that Boyce Jr. is a whopping eight years old. He started the second grade two weeks ago, and his teacher has made it clear that she would like parents and visitors to come and talk about their work. When Boyce Jr. asked his dad to come in to class Boyce said he’d rather die, and then said, “Look, here’s some metal…buzzzzzzzz…now it’s a key. There you go ma’am. If your boyfriend doesn’t want to heave your keys into traffic anymore, I guess I’ll be going. How’s that class?” If Boyce Jr. wasn’t Boyce’s son he probably would have cried. Instead, Boyce Jr. just made a stabbing motion with his fork and said, “Traffic!”
Sammy told Boyce Jr. he would go in to talk about his ancestor, the writer Charles Brockden Brown. Boyce said he’d rather him come in to say whether it’s true that Arby’s roast beef arrives at the store in liquid form. Boyce Jr. then asked if I would come in and interpret his classmates' dreams for him. I said, “Sure, but you better hope none of your friends are being abused, because if they are, I’ll know.” Then after some consultation with his father, Boyce Jr. asked me if I’d come and talk about birds, and I told him I would be delighted.
At this point in time I am thinking about using scare tactics and analogies about parents who stop loving their children in order to explain to the kids how important it is to stop invasive species of animals and plants from moving in on native bird territory. I will provide them with the harrowing example of The Elf Owl’s loss of habitat, and then paint vivid, realistic portrayals about what would happen to their own internal organs if they were taken away from their family and had only dust and fertilizer to eat.
Below is the outline of my speech:
I. Introduction
a. Birds—why getting high won’t make you one [the anti-drug
part of speech]
II. What makes you not care about endangered birds?
a. Who doesn’t care about you? How does that make you feel?
b. Who do you know is capable of hurting a bird?
III. Invasive Species—The end of the ecosystem…or the world?
a. The effect of Chinese imports and tariffs on birds
b. Hand Puppet Drama: The Story of Mr. Big Farmer and
How He Murdered The Elf Owl and Buried Him
Under a Pile of Corn Syrup and Bank Notes
IV. Conclusion
a. What kind of God would allow this?
V. Q and A
I’ll let you know how it goes!
