On November 2, he wrote an article called “Return home to be biggest test for Pryor.” Maybe it was a test. I don’t really care one way or another. He doesn’t speak about what Ohio birds eat from the buckeye tree, so my interest often waned. Nevertheless, I did note he said the following:
"Bad Troy wouldn't be seen again through 19 consecutive victories until his bloated body got chomped by some desert Gators. Let's not go there."A few points. 1. "Bad Troy?" Is Bad Troy an alternate personality to Good Troy? Is this how you conceptualize what I assume are the complexities of football? Is this akin to saying roulette is just a matter of Red and Black? 2. "Bloated body?" This is a dubious modifier. Was this college football player drowned? Or lying on the side of the road like a common white tail deer half-filled with fly larvae? Are these gators so malnourished that they feed on clearly diseased corpses?
3. "Let's not go there.” Apparently, "too much information" and "talk to the hand" were already used in previous articles.
Just today Sammy sent me another article, this one called, “OSU's future finally looks like Roses.” I understand this means that they will play in a football game more special than other football games. Yet, when the game is over they will still depend on birds to help continue mammalian life. What I don’t understand about this article, however, could fill a dump truck.
Spencer writes, "That's what happens, JoePa, when you fill your non-conference slate with Larry, Curly, Moe and Bart Simpson." This is odd to say the least. It’s like saying lions, tigers, and bears, and monitor lizards, oh my! All carnivorous diets, but one doesn’t fit. Also, it would be theoretically possible to exhume the bodies of the actors who played Larry, Curly, and Moe, re-animate them through lightning or necromancy, and get them to play football. This is not possible, however, with Bart Simpson. Someone could dress up like him, but we couldn't really say he was Bart Simpson.
He later writes, "Not only will these Buckeyes get to California, their defense and special teams -- the real heroes Saturday -- will give them a fighting chance against the Pac-10's representative. Go ahead and diss the Big Ten, but that Left Coast conference is filled with a bunch of Sybils."
First, Spencer stops to state that the "real heroes" are defense and special teams, assuming other people were claiming that the offense were the heroes. Given the fact that thus far Spencer has only spoken about the offense, I assume the other people he’s railing against is himself. Second, to call one group "real heroes" assumes another group are imaginary heroes; but in this context, this amplifies the fact that Spencer believes football players are heroes. They may be, but not because of football. You could better say that the flightless Southern Cassowary bird (pictured right)
is a hero since it provides an “irreplaceable role in ecosystems,” as was reported in 2004 to the National Academy of Sciences in a report called “Ecosystem Consequences of Bird Declines.” Just try to tackle yourself a sustainable ecosystem!Second, let’s address this issue of sibyls: (a) when referring to the mythological figures, it is spelled “sibyl.” Only when referring to a woman’s name is it spelled the way Spencer spells it. Perhaps he means that the “Left Coast” conference is populated with women named Sybil. (b) Sammy would like it pointed out that sibyls were prophetesses in different mythologies. One of these is the Cumaean sibyl, who forgets to ask Apollo for eternal youth when she asks for near-eternal life. Apparently, Spencer believes the “Left Coast” is full of slowly decaying mythological creatures who have lost the ability to die.
May I suggest to Ohio newspapers that Sammy, Boyce, and I could together write exceptional football articles. Our articles would also include informative asides about ornithology and gambling techniques, which I believe many degenerate sports gamblers may be interested in. Write me, newspaper editors: cyruswetherbee@gmail.com
