Hollins Hoorah!

I still have not received an email back from Dave King, Athletic Director of Eastern Mennonite University, about changing their mascot from the Royal (stupid) to the Emu (daring and original).  Sammy thinks we should boycott the entire school.  He says Mennonites are good at not doing things--the anthem, the pledge, fighting wars, being quick to respond to honest emails--so a boycott would be appropriate.  The problem is, of course, that I was not even aware of the school less than a week ago.  I have unconsciously been boycotting them my entire life.

Nevertheless, Sammy says that colleges get federal money, which means the smallest fraction of the income taxes I pay go to that university.  Therefore on my tax return I have included the following addendum:

Because of my beliefs, I refuse to support the federal funding of Eastern Mennonite University.  Because of the amount of colleges that receive money, I recognize that my contribution to the school is much less than one penny.  However, I refuse to pay even that fraction of a penny.  Therefore I have filed my taxes and demand that one less penny be taken from me (I have rounded up because if I round down the money won't exist).  You will notice, of course, that because I work part time my income tax is actually returned to me.  I don't want to accept that money as it will ruin my symbolic gesture.  Therefore, I demand that the rounded-up penny that would go to Eastern Mennonite University go instead to their hated rival Hollins University.  You will note that I did not choose my penny to go to EMU's other rival, Bridgewater College, because they are the Eagles and you don't even want to get me started about that.  

Boyce pointed out that Hollins University has no mascot.  This is just the opportunity we need!  I will write to Hollins and request they become the Hollins Emus, thus completely sticking it to Eastern Mennonite University.

Down with the Royals!  Let's go Hollins Emus!